Amen.  

<>< 
XOX

Last night I went to bed in tears. Feeling completely frustrated and overwhelmed.

I had another visit with the neurologist and after the usually questions and concerns, I asked him if he actually had a diagnoses, after talking about Hemi facial spasm and Trigeminal neuralgia, the 5th and 7th nerve...  No.  
 They cannot understand why I am having what I am and the pain associated with it.

 I feel when I tell them how bad it is - it is not that they don’t believe - CLEARLY there is something going on, but I think they don’t ‘get the severity’ of it? I wonder is it because I am not in the office sobbing?  Or that I don’t lie around all day feeling sorry for myself? 
I can tell you, I DO feel like doing that. 
 I fought off tears several times in his office yesterday.  IT is much harder to try to remain positive and busy and hopeful.   

After the last surgery,  I do feel better BUT whatever is going on is still going on and every day It MAKES me very aware that It can all be gone in an instant. I struggle with this reminder - as much as I AM REALLY grateful the new found appreciation and determination.. everyday thinking my brain is going to explode is exhausting.  
These constant electrical zaps  leave me feeling  ‘fizzled” 
My attack last week left me exhausted for 2 days.  
I still have them constantly.. with a “doozie’ every now and then making an appearance.
Usually one a day. ;(

In his opinion, it is not getting better (mine too - it’s going on 4 YEARS slowly escalating)
He feels more surgery is the only opinion. The first not a complete success (it was in the fact that I’m still here! :)  NOT knowing exactly what they are going in for...  has me not to keen on the whole idea again - recovery itself seems daunting. Been there done that and in NO hurry to do it again.
I am frightened.

I need to take a break and think. 
I wondered about sharing this... it’s time. My hand forced by someone on FB.  This is my life at the moment and for what ever reason this is where I am meant to be. Happy or not. 

I had a lesson last week on FB when someone was PISSED at me. Angry because I have not been responding to his messages or posts.  First let me tell you having over 500o people on FB has it down falls, like messages every time you log on, I am constantly added to groups, events and my messages are never fewer than 50 every time I log on. Hard to keep up with for anyone, never mind someone who is also trying to work, be a mom, cartoonist, wife and suffers from some crazy brain thing.
I then was angry with him and asked him if he was aware I had brain surgery and have still been dealing with serious issues. No he was not. 
No he does not bother to read my post, blogs etc only pissed that I did not share his website and his goings on.  Yes, he apologized.                        

So here it is. I am not well. I have not been well for a while. I have been sicker than I have let on to most but a few are very aware of what has been going on. On top of all this I deal with other stuff, like the constant concern and battle over my sons medicine. Cannabis.
Stress added to the mixture - not good BUT unavoidable.
 A growing concern with changes expected in the near future, no thanks to Health Canada. 

I have hoped people would focus on my work and not my health and it appears to have worked out ;-)  I can’t get mad for the lack of others understanding, awareness or even compassion at times. It says more about them than it will ever say about me. Simple.

I will end by saying that when I woke up today the first thing I did was thank God for opening my eyes and for the fact that I got out of bed.
I will NOT spend the day in bed crying, I will draw, spend the day with the girls (Storm is camping) I will celebrate every meal I am blessed with and every conversation I have. I will continue to hope I get better.  I will have faith that everything does happen for a reason. All of this BTW has made me a better person. 
 I will also continue to use my cannabis as it numbs the pain and gives me a break if only for minutes at a time. I am grateful for it. It keeps me positive! 

So why share? In hope that if ONLY one person stops and thinks before they make assumptions, judge or even aggravate -  do you really know what each other is dealing with? How about we first ask ourselves that before we jump on some ones back as to why we are NOT the focus of THEIR attention. 

Compassion and LOVE.
I am stronger today than I was last night. 

I know why I am drawing and now I know why a few years ago we called my strip:
Cultivating Compassion.
GROW LOVE.     

xox <><

I have a friend who says his all the time.. Let Go and Let God. Surrender.  Have faith.  I struggle every day with this. 
It is so hard to just let go. I try to  control this ^%$# twitch - still - 3 years later and I say to myself - I can make it stop.  It's no different from yesterday - it just seems like on some days it becomes too much. Little things that I deal with all the time suddenly seem HUGE and I want to scream out of frustration. I feel myself build up anger, resentment - I start to feel emotionally and physically exhausted and overwhelmed. 
Time to LET GO! 
Time to stop fighting it, take a mental break - step aside, read a book, distract yourself, meditate.  Time to hand it over. 
As if we have any control over any of this anyway.
xox <>< 

How true the quote is (by: Robert H. Schuller) With every seed planted we also plant hope - and that tiny seed  is a source for huge hope! When we start our tomato seeds every year the first thought I have is: I wonder how many tomatoes we will get and how great they will be - juicy, firm, red - better than anything purchased in a store! Well - other than the farmers market.

As with life - we only need a tiny seed sometimes of hope. I have to say when I woke up this morning,  it took so long (over 40 mins.)  for my twitch to kick in I thought - It's gone! 
It's gone! I got up - dressed, had coffee and still only a tiny little linger...

I have said it before.
Walk in my shoes, learn what we have learned about Pharmacetuical drugs and then tell me you would not give your child Cannabis under the same circumstance! 
Watch this link and tell me this mother or father is wrong 
- LISTEN to the DR.  then .. imagine it is your child.
http://live.huffingtonpost.com/r/segment/parents-choose/50b663372b8c2a5d91000184
I am so tired of hearing this argument. 
WE live it. WE see it's miracle and  I <3 these parents! 
SHARE - teach! Sooner or later Dr.s will have to agree. 
AS PARENTS we must demand what is best for our children. ASK them - what would they do if it was their child?   
 The next time someone says - but there are medications for nausea - yes there are and while you are at it - LOOK up the side effects!!  Dr.s have no problem prescribing  drugs to children - but have issues with a PLANT? *  That has never caused OVERDOSE or DEATH.
WHAT parent in their right mind would give their children an opiate that they can become addicted to or even die from?  I'd rther watch my child laugh and happy than be a zombie on the sofa- TRUST me - I saw him for far too long sit and suffer and not play because he was in pain. UNTIL he tried cannabis. 
TALK to your Dr. 
The choice is Clear- Cannabis!!! 
I feel great about this news! Can you tell?  I drew this cartoon last week in bed and finally felt good enough to paint it today ;-))) - so Thank You God!  xox <>< 

* Note: Not all Dr.s I have been blessed with the best. ♥ .
Talk to your Dr. Help educate them. 
They are ONLY human. <super smart but still human ;-)
<><

If I said thinking about surgery I was not frightened, I'd be a LIAR .
Every now and then it hits me,  as the day goes on and I have several twitch attacks and a head ACHE since the moment my brain registers it is awake.. the fear disappears and I know this has to be done.  I am getting my Zen Den ready! 
Determined to surround myself with all things I love  and keep it simple I have a few key essentials:
- my ipod with meditation music - lots of Om mani padme hum going to be happening ;D.
-T.V. & DVD player  and of course my box sets of Warner Brother cartoons! Watched a few of my favs. last night! Has made me feel good since I was a kid!
-I made a 'positive vibes board' & complimentary pins (can't tell you too much about it, as it is a very cool and up coming craft)!!  I hope to stick it with ideas, photos and more  to keep me inspired & focused. 
-A book that I have read before (I'm not going to strain my brain in any way)  Our Lady of the Lost and Found  < click to read more. It is inspiring, fun, interesting and I find the entire concept pretty cool.  I love a good book and have found that reading this one - I am easily drifting off on inspired ideas..  I also have The Pot Book and am expecting  Hempology 101  in the mail by Ted Smith any day ! So I will have some material for CC Cartoons - Not that I ever seem to be a at a lack for material;-) Also the Bible ♥
-OF course - I have my supply of pencils, paper, note pads and ink! Ready to rock! 
Buddha & beside him my hemp ball, my mini ROOR, my Plenty by my bedside and a dish of healing herb - without it I do not know how I'd have got through these past few years! 

So I'm ready! Storm has been -as always fantastic, from helping mop to more <3 The only think I'm  'upset' about is I have to keep the girls locked out of my bedroom for 2 weeks. Should be interesting. I am so ready for this healing process to begin. * after a difficult day yesterday - this toon came to me last night and made me giggle so I drew it to give to my Dr. before surgery - Note* Right side please! LOL  I hope he has a sense of humor. 
Last Post tomorrow for 2 weeks peeps. I am shutting down.  <3

Today our son is 20! 20!!! Even typing it brings tears to my eyes. He is up and had his birthday breakfast and off to work! 20.
It sit here and I breath deeply and I thank God with every beat of my heart that our son is here and celebrating his 20th! I feel like a milestone has been reached! A 'magic number' if only in my mind. My son- no longer a toddler, boy, teen- he is a man. 

When you are a parent of a child with a serious illness you take nothing for granted. When you are told your child might not be with you as long as you imagine as a parent - FOREVER- It can mess with you mind to say the least. So....
Today I feel like yelling a big "FUCK YOU!!!" 
Fuck you Dr.s you were wrong!  A fuck you filled with LOVE because I am so happy they were wrong!!! 
My boy - now man is everything parent can hope for and more. He is a gentleman, handsome, polite, hard working, smart and determined to make something of his life!  It has not been easy, Storm does live with chronic pain every day - always has and always will  - he is an example to me and my husband, we would not change a single thing if we could. This lesson has been one of love that we are blessed to be a part of.  So today I am beside myself! Everyday is special but today is a day to celebrate!
 The day would not be right if I also did not say Thank You God.  I have prayed for years and will continue to do so- not for a miracle but for the continued strength we all need to face each new day. Thank God for my sons medicine - YES, I thank GOD! For the plant he put here! A medicine that helps our son function, work, hope and dream and LAUGH!  Some may still  'not get it'  I honestly HOPE you never do.  I look at the baby photos and now the young man before me and I could care less what anyone thinks. I KNOW why we do what we do. FOR LOVE.  Happy 20th Birthday Storm! MANY MANY MORE!! 
xox LOVE MOM & DAD ... Tequila, Scruffy, Daisy, Darkie, Jaws, Fluffy & Larry 

Please plant the seed of Cannabis education. I can honestly tell you I do not think my son would be with us today if not for his medicine. Please share - You might be helping other parents- other children. xox <>< 
http://www.georgiatoons.com/uploads/4/1/0/5/4105506/stormsstory.pdf