Last night I went to bed in tears. Feeling completely frustrated and overwhelmed.
I had another visit with the neurologist and after the usually questions and concerns, I asked him if he actually had a diagnoses, after talking about Hemi facial spasm and Trigeminal neuralgia, the 5th and 7th nerve... No.
They cannot understand why I am having what I am and the pain associated with it.
I feel when I tell them how bad it is - it is not that they don’t believe - CLEARLY there is something going on, but I think they don’t ‘get the severity’ of it? I wonder is it because I am not in the office sobbing? Or that I don’t lie around all day feeling sorry for myself?
I can tell you, I DO feel like doing that.
I fought off tears several times in his office yesterday. IT is much harder to try to remain positive and busy and hopeful.
After the last surgery, I do feel better BUT whatever is going on is still going on and every day It MAKES me very aware that It can all be gone in an instant. I struggle with this reminder - as much as I AM REALLY grateful the new found appreciation and determination.. everyday thinking my brain is going to explode is exhausting.
These constant electrical zaps leave me feeling ‘fizzled”
My attack last week left me exhausted for 2 days.
I still have them constantly.. with a “doozie’ every now and then making an appearance.
Usually one a day. ;(
In his opinion, it is not getting better (mine too - it’s going on 4 YEARS slowly escalating)
He feels more surgery is the only opinion. The first not a complete success (it was in the fact that I’m still here! :) NOT knowing exactly what they are going in for... has me not to keen on the whole idea again - recovery itself seems daunting. Been there done that and in NO hurry to do it again.
I am frightened.
I need to take a break and think.
I wondered about sharing this... it’s time. My hand forced by someone on FB. This is my life at the moment and for what ever reason this is where I am meant to be. Happy or not.
I had a lesson last week on FB when someone was PISSED at me. Angry because I have not been responding to his messages or posts. First let me tell you having over 500o people on FB has it down falls, like messages every time you log on, I am constantly added to groups, events and my messages are never fewer than 50 every time I log on. Hard to keep up with for anyone, never mind someone who is also trying to work, be a mom, cartoonist, wife and suffers from some crazy brain thing.
I then was angry with him and asked him if he was aware I had brain surgery and have still been dealing with serious issues. No he was not.
No he does not bother to read my post, blogs etc only pissed that I did not share his website and his goings on. Yes, he apologized.
So here it is. I am not well. I have not been well for a while. I have been sicker than I have let on to most but a few are very aware of what has been going on. On top of all this I deal with other stuff, like the constant concern and battle over my sons medicine. Cannabis.
Stress added to the mixture - not good BUT unavoidable.
A growing concern with changes expected in the near future, no thanks to Health Canada.
I have hoped people would focus on my work and not my health and it appears to have worked out ;-) I can’t get mad for the lack of others understanding, awareness or even compassion at times. It says more about them than it will ever say about me. Simple.
I will end by saying that when I woke up today the first thing I did was thank God for opening my eyes and for the fact that I got out of bed.
I will NOT spend the day in bed crying, I will draw, spend the day with the girls (Storm is camping) I will celebrate every meal I am blessed with and every conversation I have. I will continue to hope I get better. I will have faith that everything does happen for a reason. All of this BTW has made me a better person.
I will also continue to use my cannabis as it numbs the pain and gives me a break if only for minutes at a time. I am grateful for it. It keeps me positive!
So why share? In hope that if ONLY one person stops and thinks before they make assumptions, judge or even aggravate - do you really know what each other is dealing with? How about we first ask ourselves that before we jump on some ones back as to why we are NOT the focus of THEIR attention.
Compassion and LOVE.
I am stronger today than I was last night.
I know why I am drawing and now I know why a few years ago we called my strip:
I have a friend who says his all the time.. Let Go and Let God. Surrender. Have faith. I struggle every day with this.
It is so hard to just let go. I try to control this ^%$# twitch - still - 3 years later and I say to myself - I can make it stop. It's no different from yesterday - it just seems like on some days it becomes too much. Little things that I deal with all the time suddenly seem HUGE and I want to scream out of frustration. I feel myself build up anger, resentment - I start to feel emotionally and physically exhausted and overwhelmed.
Time to LET GO!
Time to stop fighting it, take a mental break - step aside, read a book, distract yourself, meditate. Time to hand it over.
As if we have any control over any of this anyway.
I have said it before.
Walk in my shoes, learn what we have learned about Pharmacetuical drugs and then tell me you would not give your child Cannabis under the same circumstance!
Watch this link and tell me this mother or father is wrong
- LISTEN to the DR. then .. imagine it is your child.
I am so tired of hearing this argument.
WE live it. WE see it's miracle and I <3 these parents!
SHARE - teach! Sooner or later Dr.s will have to agree.
AS PARENTS we must demand what is best for our children. ASK them - what would they do if it was their child?
The next time someone says - but there are medications for nausea - yes there are and while you are at it - LOOK up the side effects!! Dr.s have no problem prescribing drugs to children - but have issues with a PLANT? * That has never caused OVERDOSE or DEATH.
WHAT parent in their right mind would give their children an opiate that they can become addicted to or even die from? I'd rther watch my child laugh and happy than be a zombie on the sofa- TRUST me - I saw him for far too long sit and suffer and not play because he was in pain. UNTIL he tried cannabis.
TALK to your Dr.
The choice is Clear- Cannabis!!!
I feel great about this news! Can you tell? I drew this cartoon last week in bed and finally felt good enough to paint it today ;-))) - so Thank You God! xox <><
* Note: Not all Dr.s I have been blessed with the best. ♥ .
Talk to your Dr. Help educate them.
They are ONLY human. <super smart but still human ;-)
If I said thinking about surgery I was not frightened, I'd be a LIAR .
Every now and then it hits me, as the day goes on and I have several twitch attacks and a head ACHE since the moment my brain registers it is awake.. the fear disappears and I know this has to be done. I am getting my Zen Den ready!
Determined to surround myself with all things I love and keep it simple I have a few key essentials:
- my ipod with meditation music - lots of Om mani padme hum going to be happening ;D.
-T.V. & DVD player and of course my box sets of Warner Brother cartoons! Watched a few of my favs. last night! Has made me feel good since I was a kid!
-I made a 'positive vibes board' & complimentary pins (can't tell you too much about it, as it is a very cool and up coming craft)!! I hope to stick it with ideas, photos and more to keep me inspired & focused.
-A book that I have read before (I'm not going to strain my brain in any way) Our Lady of the Lost and Found < click to read more. It is inspiring, fun, interesting and I find the entire concept pretty cool. I love a good book and have found that reading this one - I am easily drifting off on inspired ideas.. I also have The Pot Book and am expecting Hempology 101 in the mail by Ted Smith any day ! So I will have some material for CC Cartoons - Not that I ever seem to be a at a lack for material;-) Also the Bible ♥
-OF course - I have my supply of pencils, paper, note pads and ink! Ready to rock!
Buddha & beside him my hemp ball, my mini ROOR, my Plenty by my bedside and a dish of healing herb - without it I do not know how I'd have got through these past few years!
So I'm ready! Storm has been -as always fantastic, from helping mop to more <3 The only think I'm 'upset' about is I have to keep the girls locked out of my bedroom for 2 weeks. Should be interesting. I am so ready for this healing process to begin. * after a difficult day yesterday - this toon came to me last night and made me giggle so I drew it to give to my Dr. before surgery - Note* Right side please! LOL I hope he has a sense of humor.
Last Post tomorrow for 2 weeks peeps. I am shutting down. <3
Today our son is 20! 20!!! Even typing it brings tears to my eyes. He is up and had his birthday breakfast and off to work! 20.
It sit here and I breath deeply and I thank God with every beat of my heart that our son is here and celebrating his 20th! I feel like a milestone has been reached! A 'magic number' if only in my mind. My son- no longer a toddler, boy, teen- he is a man.
When you are a parent of a child with a serious illness you take nothing for granted. When you are told your child might not be with you as long as you imagine as a parent - FOREVER- It can mess with you mind to say the least. So....
Today I feel like yelling a big "FUCK YOU!!!"
Fuck you Dr.s you were wrong! A fuck you filled with LOVE because I am so happy they were wrong!!!
My boy - now man is everything parent can hope for and more. He is a gentleman, handsome, polite, hard working, smart and determined to make something of his life! It has not been easy, Storm does live with chronic pain every day - always has and always will - he is an example to me and my husband, we would not change a single thing if we could. This lesson has been one of love that we are blessed to be a part of. So today I am beside myself! Everyday is special but today is a day to celebrate!
The day would not be right if I also did not say Thank You God. I have prayed for years and will continue to do so- not for a miracle but for the continued strength we all need to face each new day. Thank God for my sons medicine - YES, I thank GOD! For the plant he put here! A medicine that helps our son function, work, hope and dream and LAUGH! Some may still 'not get it' I honestly HOPE you never do. I look at the baby photos and now the young man before me and I could care less what anyone thinks. I KNOW why we do what we do. FOR LOVE. Happy 20th Birthday Storm! MANY MANY MORE!!
xox LOVE MOM & DAD ... Tequila, Scruffy, Daisy, Darkie, Jaws, Fluffy & Larry
Please plant the seed of Cannabis education. I can honestly tell you I do not think my son would be with us today if not for his medicine. Please share - You might be helping other parents- other children. xox <><
It's Easter weekend! I love Holidays but I love Easter more than Christmas. I believe it is in part because of SPRING! All the flowers starting, bunnies, eggs, comfort food, family and of course for those of us who believe HOPE! Good Friday - never really think of it as good. A day to be reminded that He died for our sins. Good in the fact that that It is a reminder, so many children only think of Easter as chocolate and eggs and fun - with marketing the way it is - it's hard not to - I myself am on my way out to get my 19 year old a choc. egg or two ;-)) He is aware of what Easter stands for. I'd like to add Storm and I do not agree on religion. We have different opinions. THIS is o.k. Why, because we have a mutual respect and LOVE for each other. What ever it takes to make you happy and keep you a good person, whatever you believe - who can argue with that - or WHY ? Yesterday I blocked someone. I think I've done that only 2 times. I posted a quote about Jesus and someone commented a nasty comment. It was simply RUDE. I sent him a message telling him it was rude and again his reply was just negative. I don't get it.
I would NEVER condemn anyone for what they believe in if it is helping them survive this life and is Not hurting anyone. I thought after I should not have blocked but I just did not have the energy to deal with such a negative person first thing in the a.m., but really - why would I want to surround myself with people like that? - Believe in what you want but ignorance is not having an open mind to let others have this right also. What angered me most is that person really has no idea of what my God is to me.
He's not up there in a throne throwing bolts of lightening.. (in my cartoonist mind perhaps- some times) God is good. Good in humans who help each other, encourage, support, lift, love and TRY to make a positive difference.
God is everything I see. ALL the beauty that is EVERYWHERE! Now with the internet we get to see beauty from all over the world! Share dreams and hopes and encourage and inspire. Yet, others given the same chance and all they can do is comment negative.
He questioned my faith. I question his lack of compassion/respect for others.
If you have no faith you have no hope.
Time to go get a special bunny for my boy and my honey. A few tulips and that's all!
Easter will be our time spent chatting, laughing, meals and family time. A time to celebrate LOVE., New LIFE (all around us now!) & HOPE. The bunnies are just a bonus ;-) xoxx
YIPPIE! Everywhere you look - little buds! Bits of green popping up all around all with the promise of so much more! That is Faith. We know it is coming. We know we will see it again. We have faith. I have faith In a few things I have yet to physically see but I know they are coming . ;-) A tribute to the greatest - hard working - best attitude cartoonist EVER. Charles Schultz. Thank you. HOW many he inspired that when you see a dog do this dance before you realize it you have a smile on your face. WE know it means SNOOPY is HAPPY!
it is the original Happy Dance. Not over a lottery winning but over a love of life.
Spring is here and once again you better believe I m doing the happy dance!
For the love of life. Some photos taken in this beautiful warm March!! It was 20 yesterday - to be 22 today!!! Spring has spung!
I have given 2012 much thought.. It was a very difficult 2011 (blog tomorrow.) causing me to REALLY think... and I think (I pray) I finally get it. LOL
ONE LOVE. I love Bob Marley - always have. The man and the music. He knew what was important to him and shared it with the world! His faith incredible - I admire that in anyone, regardless of the faith. His words educate, remind and sooth us with love.
Call it corny, I simply want to be a better person in 2012. I had someone comment to me that “as an activist - you don’t get out much -” ha ha ! No and as a Canadian I prefer to hibernate in the winter! Always have. I think I am doing pretty good, thank you. As an activist I believe I have accomplished quite a bit ;-D So what does it mean for 2012? I need to draw. I draw for my own sanity and I thank God that I am afforded this 'luxury'. I am making a difference, creating a curiosity - but where would I be without all of you? Nowhere. I know this. It is through sharing that we can help educate others in everything. What good would any of my drawing be If I just drew and did not share! LOL
Thing is... I cannot NOT share! Drawing makes me happy.
If I think my drawings will make someone happy I want to share! Simple.
It is my gift from God and I want to share. Do what you love. Bob clearly did what he loved, he was confident and knew his ‘music will last forever’ WHY? He had faith! Faith in God and faith in himself, Faith in EACH OTHER! In 2012 I plan on focusing on the good, all the good things that come into our lives I will welcome and not question!
I have faith.
My tribute toon to Bob. Thank you for sharing your gift with all of us and making this world a BETTER PLACE!