Painting to pass time.

I painted this fox just to paint..  
I'm not overly pleased with it but it was interesting using new irredescent copper  paint.
Who's tired?   Me. 
I slept all day the other day- with short intervals to see the goats & chickens.
I'm praying this passes quickly. 

WE watched the doc Cracked Up: The Darrell Hammond story.    
It was difficult for me to watch.  I had a 'light bulb' moment- not a good one. 
Too many times he said something  and I found myself wanting to smash the T.V.
If you want know how 'I feel' - watch it, it is exactly how I feel, some - if not many days.
Too many days.  He also explains about triggers' - nice to know I'm not alone.  
I have too many triggers. I guess it's because I have too many memories.

How do we get past it - do we ever get past it?  
Clearly some people will hate us for no reason in this lifetime - because THEY are fucked up.. so, fuck them.  He said at the end..I won.
I feel - I won, surrounded by my furry family, here where God has placed me- thankfully.
I think it's been the best year  - for my mental health & physical health...  if only I didn't have triggers- perhaps they are here to HELP us- to remind us. Teach us.
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All I did was be born. The neglect & hatred was beaten into me.
Have I won?  When I can still be brought to tears by a fucking trigger? 
There are no winners in child abuse.   
I am tired.  

I think he was lucky that he had a father, grand parents  & a sibling around.