Triggers.. it's funny what 'triggers memories' and past experiences, maybe it's a song on the radio which reminds you of a special date or someone in your life, an old T-shirt - reminds you of that concert you went to when 17! A photo- can bring you right back to the date, memories can be a wonderful thing. Memories can also be brutal. As well as making you feel all warm and fuzzy- they can make you feel physically ill - decades later.
I'm learning to 'embrace' these triggers as difficult as they are instead of ignore them, ignoring them only suppresses them to return to a later date. Instead I will acknowledge, ponder and understand & say to myself: Way to go girl! You rose above that TOO!
Who was intimated by 'mean girls ' in high school - I bet many. Not me. My 'mean girl' was at home waiting to teach me a lesson or two.
One morning my mom was drinking her "special tea" which she said helped her keep slim... I made the mistake of asking if I could have some, not quite comprehending the concept of the slimming tea' & how it worked. I had my tea & went to school. I was in grade 9.
I recall feeling very sick and left school only to shit myself on the TTC. I got off the bus for fears of others seeing or smelling me. I was wearing shorts- it was a hot summer day.
I walked home and the shit dripped down my legs into my shoes, occasionally buckling with cramps... crying all the way.
My mom, thought it was hysterical and laughed a great deal, she also shared with a few that I had shit myself. I was 15. I was humiliated, again. Who does this to their daughter?
It was not until I was older to understand - other moms did not take pleasure in humiliating their daughter like this. My mom never said "you look cute", "how was your day?".. " what did you do in school today?"... "Im sorry you shit yourself... for that was not my intent." It was, it was her intent. She was an adult & knew what would happen to me drinking that tea - still she let me & let me go to school without any warning.
I looked cute in my shorts.. until I shit them. I threw them out.
She was always telling others I was mentally ill.
Regrettably, BUT understandably I was diagnosed as bi-polar' in my teens, which she only used againts me further - convincing others of her terrible plight- 'dealing with me'. I was not bipolar- I was fucked over mentally since birth by someone who hated me and proved it constantly. I was not the one who was fucked up.
The abuse was NOT always so obvious- the beatings were obvious, the mean 'mind fucks' - not until I was older. I remember this, sometimes simply -when I see a teabag in a cup.
I am happy for these memories NOW- these are here for a reason... to keep me awake. Safe.
They show me how far I have come and remind me - I am exactly where God wants me to be. Keep my distance. Grateful like you can't even comprehend. Give thanks.
People have asked me - why didn't you tell anyone? Why don't you? I didn't want to hurt my mother, part of the brainwashing. This is not about 'hurting' my mother, if it was to hurt her, reading this - OH well- we shouldn't have been such a fucking cunt.
This is about explaining abuse & pray others SEE, learn & understand & STOP judging others and what we don't know. Not all abuse is beating physically - much is beating and wearing down others mentally.
Stop telling kids:
You only have one mother.. (or father).
It was those words (guilt from people NOT aware) that kept me being abused well into my 50's. Now when someone says that, I immediately respond: Thank God for that! One mother like that was enough.
I was ashamed to tell others how much my mother hated me...because they could not understand. I could NOT understand.
They saw what they wanted to see.
They believed what was easy for them to believe.
Time for a cup of tea, I treat myself to good tea! I like citrus flavours especially.
Then I'll finish a portrait and start a new one of my son & a goat..
I've had a few very difficult days- that's o.k... I understand why. I try not to be so hard on myself when I get overwhelmed - it's easy to understand why, now.
Please try to show someone a little understanding- even if you don't.
with TLC & THC - FOR me from ME!