We are still in a semi state of emergency with Covid-19 anxiety & depression are at untimate highs'. The weather is getting nicer and restrictions are carefully lifting. Still concerned, I'll be cautious - I want it over.. so I can hug my son, mostly. I think I've been better than fine mentally' other than a few triggers' - TRUMP anything is a trigger for an anger meltdown for MANY!
I struggle some days more than most, yesterday was one of those days. Mothers day.
Joyful - the best day of my life, the day I became a mom! I've thanked the universe everyday.
I've not seen my mother for over a year.. close to two & won't be spending anytime with her anytime soon... if ever again. Yes, I'm sure that sounds harsh. What's more important - health or being concerned with the opinin of others. Others who frankly, don't have a full understanding of the situation. I've had to tell people to stop saying things like: "She's your mom..." or "you only have one mom.." these statements kept me in a relationship for far too long that was NOT healthy.. at least 54 years.
I'd like to make something very clear.. I love my mother. We have been through stuff, more than most. She taught me to be a fighter, no one can deny.
What I no longer tolerate is her abuse - caused (MOSTLY) in part due to her issues with depression & ALCOHOL abuse. I've no doubts my mother consumed large amounts while pregnant with me... it's a no brainer, when you understand the situation & I finally, really might. She was NOT in a good place when she had me, most knew it.. no, ALL new it.
It was no secret my mother partied hard, drank and was not afraid of anyone including men whe would physically fight with in bars - the stories were often shared, accompanied with laughter. I don't find the stories amusing anymore.
I spent most of my childhood & ALL of my teens, trying to figure out that I did to make my mother hate me so much. She resented me being born & I paid for it many times over because she was MENTALLY ILL and struggling. Constant verbal abuse, physical abuse & neglect. Lots. Weekly beatings - usually after a night of drinking out with all her friends & family my mom would come home and took out all her frustrations, anger, resentment & jealous out on me. Everyone knew what she was like and never intervened.. WTF?
As I became older & understood that, resentment built. It's why today, I am fine distancing myself with ALL family.
This blog is to help any teens, adults who suffer with depresseion & arent sure why - cut yourself some slack! Think about it.. chances are YOU know why!
We don't- we are taught to take pills and put our emotions away.. shhhhhh. BUT it doesn't GO away! It festers and comes out in many other ways. Some become hurtfull, vengeful, nasty.. it comes out with health issues, relationship issues and more. I do blame my mom for my twitch partly... pehaps from one too many beatings - all of which she doesn't remember - (BULLSHIT) because "I was drunk.."
Is there any wonder why I have a hatred for alcoholics - I know it's the ALCOHOL. Still,
No one poured it down her throat. WE ALL make choices and some choose the same thing OVER & OVER for decades EVEN though they are AWARE of the pain they cause.
Don't force it away- deal wtih it, think about it so you can sort it out and say:
IT WAS NEVER ME! & then focus on what you can do to make it better because YOU DESERVE better. Mother, father, sister, brother- aunt uncle - are all just words'. SADLY, commonly many of us ARE abused BY those closest to us - family. It's NEVER o.k. ON ANY level. Acknowledge it - this is the trick! By acknowledging it I am prepared to deal with it' & possibly even CONTROL it.
I knew yesterday was going to be BAD. Mothers day - a day I celebrate & cringe - I was READY - Fuck COVID... No Storm visiting.. it was an emotional day so I had this monkey ready to go - PREPARED to paint- FORCED myslef to paint! All day - I avoided depression. Fuck depression - I have monkeys to paint.
I turned into a pondering primate in the pasture hee hee hee, and enjoyed the day - if only in my mind... the place place to BE.
If you are constantly trying to figure out what you do, to piss someone off- it's not you.
Get some distance from that person. If you are being abused GET away from that person.. the sooner the better.
The drawing below created curing a Psilocybin experience, I was OVERrun with past memories all at once, & felt I desperately NEEDED to draw them to get them OUT of my head! I think that was the MOST important "philocybin experience" I've had, although painful - emotionally & AM very grateful for it now.. it ended it.
Once & for all... It made me SEE/understand - It was NEVER me. I feel better.
Stronger. Excited more to ENJOY every day.
Psilocybin mushrooms for PTSD - THANK GOD!
* I've also been very blessed with a fantactic mental health doctor & friend for 15+ years, who had supported and encouraged anything & everything to help me 'BE' better. ;)
With TLC & THC - more on Mental health next Monday.
I'm starting a new mini portrait today - one that makes me smile EVERY time I look at it. Painting myself happy- is the way to BE.
with TLC & THC
Below an excerpt from the night of sketches on mushrooms..
a memory from my first trip to Disney in my teens.