It's a holiday & I was considering taking a break.. then realized- that's part of the porblem. No one wants to hear this shit on a holiday, take a break... Does abuse take a break?
Fuck no - it's escalated on holidays, so Cheers!.
I was taught to hate holidays. I still do.. or rather I hate the usual celebration that accompanies them - Excessive Alcohol consumption. Time to get 'shitfaced' - it's a holiday tomorrow... Good day for a hangover. That's how we think (how I use to think).. too many do, still. I struggle with most "celebrations", I usually just act like it's just another day- because in reality, it is.
At 18 I was given a raise, my first real job 'Talent Showcase' (hiring extras for music videos and movies being shot in Toronto & area) I was thrilled! & it was a good raise!! My then boyfriend, Adraino was taking me out for dinner and dancing & to celebrate! I just wanted to run up (I lived in an apartment) & change.. change I did.
I went straight to my room, got on my favorite current dress a raw silk, black & white, simple yet classy & great to dance in... on the way out I was asked "where are YOU going?"
I didn'nt speak much as my mother was usually drininking and I didn't want to set her off- not that it took much on my part.
I relpied excited (because I was): "I got a raise & Draino is taking me out to celebrate!"
My mothers response... " A raise?! How does your bosses cock taste?"
Yep. No, I do to forget it, those words. Because, you know - I could not have possibly been good enough at my job to deserve a raise.. clearly, I had to be fucking him in her mind (I was NOT HER though - I did not suck my bosses cock or fuck him - ever) I told her to "fuck off" and proceeded to leave.. Nope.
I was tackled, punched until I cowered on the floor, hair pulled, make up slapped off my face. Called the usual array of names: cunt, slut, fucking whore.. My stepdad sat & watched (inebriated as well) he TOO, knew better than to intervene with her intoxicated hatred towards me. I was beat repeatedly until Draino opened the door, he came looking for me wondering why I was taking so long, (thankfully) and yanked that bitch off of me and held a fist to her face & said "If you ever touch her again I'll punch you in the fucking face because she won't" and pulled me out of my apartment.
He was never allowed to visit again. I was humiliated, we broke up soon after.
She remembered what he said but not what she did & SHE NEVER EVER said SORRY.
All I ever got was "...I don't remember I was drunk."
FUCKING LIES Drunks tell us & themselves.
We did not go out dancing, my dress was torn and my spirit defeated.. again. I was use to it. I was harder because Draino saw it. I was ashamed when my friends saw me getting beat up - as IF I had actually done something wrong. The look of shock on their face - overtime was hard for me to see. That's what happens when you are beaten as a toddler. You are taught to be ashamed.. I must be bad if my mom is hitting me again.
That's how it was was with every celebration in my life.. EVERY thing she could - she added misery to. She was miserable ALWAYS, I was going to be too. So, why not share on this holiday MONDAY... abuse will be higher today & that is a fact, whether you choose to ignore it or not. If you see someone & you think "they should be celebrating", back off - perhaps they do not have as much to celebrate as you 'think'..
I use to get 'that too ..."why aren't you happy??" Buzzkill.. yep, quite often my buss was killed - but not by me.
The day I got accepted into school/college (you know how exciting that is!) was the same thing... I went to school in tears because I had got accepted & she said 'I wasn't going.. she wasn't going to pay for me to go & draw'. My teacher (Mrs Lockhart) helped me with paper work and I received a grant & loan. I never got any encouragement from her EVER, not once did she ask me what I was doing in college EVER.. I only lasted a year.
I wondered if I had gotten just a bit of encouragement, if I would have stuck it out. Oh well.
So, if you are an adult & celebrating with alcohol On this Holiday - try not to over indulge - not if your going to become abusive and give your children holiday memories they'll never forget. Or do- the choice is yours... if your children hate you when you are older- remember- the CHOICE WAS yours. It's still difficult for me to "celebrate" anything.. I have a fear in me that sooner or later something or someone will say something negative... beat it into me, still.
I will celebrate this glorious day- by painting, checking on the animals and just enjoying the moment. Grateful to e HERE NOW. Painting Iridescent Eve in the garden... next.
with TLC & THC
Next week, how everyone KNEW I was going to be an artist- yay! lol
Fuck no - it's escalated on holidays, so Cheers!.
I was taught to hate holidays. I still do.. or rather I hate the usual celebration that accompanies them - Excessive Alcohol consumption. Time to get 'shitfaced' - it's a holiday tomorrow... Good day for a hangover. That's how we think (how I use to think).. too many do, still. I struggle with most "celebrations", I usually just act like it's just another day- because in reality, it is.
At 18 I was given a raise, my first real job 'Talent Showcase' (hiring extras for music videos and movies being shot in Toronto & area) I was thrilled! & it was a good raise!! My then boyfriend, Adraino was taking me out for dinner and dancing & to celebrate! I just wanted to run up (I lived in an apartment) & change.. change I did.
I went straight to my room, got on my favorite current dress a raw silk, black & white, simple yet classy & great to dance in... on the way out I was asked "where are YOU going?"
I didn'nt speak much as my mother was usually drininking and I didn't want to set her off- not that it took much on my part.
I relpied excited (because I was): "I got a raise & Draino is taking me out to celebrate!"
My mothers response... " A raise?! How does your bosses cock taste?"
Yep. No, I do to forget it, those words. Because, you know - I could not have possibly been good enough at my job to deserve a raise.. clearly, I had to be fucking him in her mind (I was NOT HER though - I did not suck my bosses cock or fuck him - ever) I told her to "fuck off" and proceeded to leave.. Nope.
I was tackled, punched until I cowered on the floor, hair pulled, make up slapped off my face. Called the usual array of names: cunt, slut, fucking whore.. My stepdad sat & watched (inebriated as well) he TOO, knew better than to intervene with her intoxicated hatred towards me. I was beat repeatedly until Draino opened the door, he came looking for me wondering why I was taking so long, (thankfully) and yanked that bitch off of me and held a fist to her face & said "If you ever touch her again I'll punch you in the fucking face because she won't" and pulled me out of my apartment.
He was never allowed to visit again. I was humiliated, we broke up soon after.
She remembered what he said but not what she did & SHE NEVER EVER said SORRY.
All I ever got was "...I don't remember I was drunk."
FUCKING LIES Drunks tell us & themselves.
We did not go out dancing, my dress was torn and my spirit defeated.. again. I was use to it. I was harder because Draino saw it. I was ashamed when my friends saw me getting beat up - as IF I had actually done something wrong. The look of shock on their face - overtime was hard for me to see. That's what happens when you are beaten as a toddler. You are taught to be ashamed.. I must be bad if my mom is hitting me again.
That's how it was was with every celebration in my life.. EVERY thing she could - she added misery to. She was miserable ALWAYS, I was going to be too. So, why not share on this holiday MONDAY... abuse will be higher today & that is a fact, whether you choose to ignore it or not. If you see someone & you think "they should be celebrating", back off - perhaps they do not have as much to celebrate as you 'think'..
I use to get 'that too ..."why aren't you happy??" Buzzkill.. yep, quite often my buss was killed - but not by me.
The day I got accepted into school/college (you know how exciting that is!) was the same thing... I went to school in tears because I had got accepted & she said 'I wasn't going.. she wasn't going to pay for me to go & draw'. My teacher (Mrs Lockhart) helped me with paper work and I received a grant & loan. I never got any encouragement from her EVER, not once did she ask me what I was doing in college EVER.. I only lasted a year.
I wondered if I had gotten just a bit of encouragement, if I would have stuck it out. Oh well.
So, if you are an adult & celebrating with alcohol On this Holiday - try not to over indulge - not if your going to become abusive and give your children holiday memories they'll never forget. Or do- the choice is yours... if your children hate you when you are older- remember- the CHOICE WAS yours. It's still difficult for me to "celebrate" anything.. I have a fear in me that sooner or later something or someone will say something negative... beat it into me, still.
I will celebrate this glorious day- by painting, checking on the animals and just enjoying the moment. Grateful to e HERE NOW. Painting Iridescent Eve in the garden... next.
with TLC & THC
Next week, how everyone KNEW I was going to be an artist- yay! lol
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