Darkness sets in - dark at 5 p.m., looking out the studio windows I see nothing but my reflection - which can be somewhat distracting, especially as I am use to watching birds & the light dance through the trees. Even though dark, I've been focusing on light - painting it, being inspired by it. Thankfully there are several very talented beings who share their painting gift on YouTube and teach how to paint light, I don't like 'masking fluid' so it's slightly more difficult with watercolour & gouache to achieve the results Im hoping for- I think I'll try with acrylic.
This has been an emotional week, much pondering.. It's been almost 10 years since surgery & I look back in amazement & give thanks. I remember not being able to eat a meal without difficulty - I've worked past it, not being able to have a conversation or laugh with out face contortion & pain, I've persevered through it. Chronic pain, I have learned to live with it & there are more times than not- I hardly notice anymore. Frankly, I've gone from thinking about death, vivid memories still, after surgery- realizing - it was not successful & just wanting to give up; now celebrating every day with new admiration, love, respect & continued heightened faith. I've been reading about MAID in Canada & the changes it's going through. I agree with MAID & assisted death for those suffering from terminal illness & devastating pain who are able to choose when they can no longer go on. BUT...
Now, those mentally suffering with depression can opt to choose MAID to end their lives. People who can't afford housing & are struggling with financial issues like bills, food, clothing.. choosing to die than to continue to try... leaves me feeling we are failing each other. I read about people who prescription drugs don't work (only exaggerate symptoms - as they did with me). Enough with forcing people to take drugs that are harming them (mentally & physically), I wonder is everyone who applies to MAID educated on the new advancements becoming common knowledge with psilocybin for depression? How about LSD changing peoples experience & mind.... don't you think we should allow people to try all they can before they choose to end their lives? I do. How can we have so many vacant properties & so many homeless. Why can humans create what we do, go up into space, make meat in a lab, make bionic body parts, make 'movies' that cost 100 of millions to entertain the masses BUT we can't look after each other? We can't see that each other is safe, warm & fed? I've had it with out 'world leaders', jet setting all over, having a grand time being hypocrites.
We can't make Tylenol for our kids, can't home our homeless? Yet we can send millions to other countries, something is messed up with what's happening here in Canada.
Depression, pain, suffering is all a part of the adventure. I told Storm just a couple of weeks ago - I am grateful for this brain tumour - nothing has taught me more & as quickly as something that has you pondering your life every day, literally. It's helped me decipher what (&who) to tolerate & what to let go. I think had MAID ben available for depression about 10 years ago - I'm not sure I'd be here. Today, I appreciate it all & everyone. I focus on living & enjoying.
I thank God every morning & continue all day - not for God, for me.
I thank God for simply being able to kick the ball with my dogs & paint.
I usually yell it out loud at least once a day: Thank YOU Lord! lol. The chickadees like it, I know.
I don't know what to tell anyone who is depressed & considering MAID to end their lives - other than: I have been there, with hope & faith in God you can get through it. I know it sounds simple and easy for me sitting here, in the woods with a nice fire & not much to stress over.. but I have not always been here. God put me here, I'm so grateful it brings me to tears when I think about the past couple of years.
Not long ago I could not eat, smile, speak, walk or even read without pain, we were in serious debt and weeks from losing our home, but I listened to God & never lost faith. I still giggle, when my real- estate agent called & told me 'I better lower my price & sell!' & I said: God told me to be patient - I suggest you do the same! & then hung up on her. The next day she called me - shocked with an terrific offer.
God still has plans for me & I'm fucking thrilled to be here & let God continue to amaze me, every day.
Time to paint & continue to focus on LIGHT.. some samples of what I've been playing with below.
This has been an emotional week, much pondering.. It's been almost 10 years since surgery & I look back in amazement & give thanks. I remember not being able to eat a meal without difficulty - I've worked past it, not being able to have a conversation or laugh with out face contortion & pain, I've persevered through it. Chronic pain, I have learned to live with it & there are more times than not- I hardly notice anymore. Frankly, I've gone from thinking about death, vivid memories still, after surgery- realizing - it was not successful & just wanting to give up; now celebrating every day with new admiration, love, respect & continued heightened faith. I've been reading about MAID in Canada & the changes it's going through. I agree with MAID & assisted death for those suffering from terminal illness & devastating pain who are able to choose when they can no longer go on. BUT...
Now, those mentally suffering with depression can opt to choose MAID to end their lives. People who can't afford housing & are struggling with financial issues like bills, food, clothing.. choosing to die than to continue to try... leaves me feeling we are failing each other. I read about people who prescription drugs don't work (only exaggerate symptoms - as they did with me). Enough with forcing people to take drugs that are harming them (mentally & physically), I wonder is everyone who applies to MAID educated on the new advancements becoming common knowledge with psilocybin for depression? How about LSD changing peoples experience & mind.... don't you think we should allow people to try all they can before they choose to end their lives? I do. How can we have so many vacant properties & so many homeless. Why can humans create what we do, go up into space, make meat in a lab, make bionic body parts, make 'movies' that cost 100 of millions to entertain the masses BUT we can't look after each other? We can't see that each other is safe, warm & fed? I've had it with out 'world leaders', jet setting all over, having a grand time being hypocrites.
We can't make Tylenol for our kids, can't home our homeless? Yet we can send millions to other countries, something is messed up with what's happening here in Canada.
Depression, pain, suffering is all a part of the adventure. I told Storm just a couple of weeks ago - I am grateful for this brain tumour - nothing has taught me more & as quickly as something that has you pondering your life every day, literally. It's helped me decipher what (&who) to tolerate & what to let go. I think had MAID ben available for depression about 10 years ago - I'm not sure I'd be here. Today, I appreciate it all & everyone. I focus on living & enjoying.
I thank God every morning & continue all day - not for God, for me.
I thank God for simply being able to kick the ball with my dogs & paint.
I usually yell it out loud at least once a day: Thank YOU Lord! lol. The chickadees like it, I know.
I don't know what to tell anyone who is depressed & considering MAID to end their lives - other than: I have been there, with hope & faith in God you can get through it. I know it sounds simple and easy for me sitting here, in the woods with a nice fire & not much to stress over.. but I have not always been here. God put me here, I'm so grateful it brings me to tears when I think about the past couple of years.
Not long ago I could not eat, smile, speak, walk or even read without pain, we were in serious debt and weeks from losing our home, but I listened to God & never lost faith. I still giggle, when my real- estate agent called & told me 'I better lower my price & sell!' & I said: God told me to be patient - I suggest you do the same! & then hung up on her. The next day she called me - shocked with an terrific offer.
God still has plans for me & I'm fucking thrilled to be here & let God continue to amaze me, every day.
Time to paint & continue to focus on LIGHT.. some samples of what I've been playing with below.
