I'm tired of it in every way- I woke today just feeling fucking drained from being in this marriage. I think to myself I bet my neighbours are in tired of it too... when I get angry I yell - it comes from frustration. I've tried 'it all' over the years, talk, council, beg, threat, cry, ignore, yell, scream - it's simple 'If Norm feels it's important - it gets done.' There have been too many times I was never asked about crucial decisions surrounding our marriage, to the point of blatant lies- that almost cost us our home.
Due to circumstances of fate - Ive been unable to leave - I have actually considered starting a 'go fund me' to get me out of here that's how desperate I feel most days, other days we tolerate each other.. all goes along fine until Norm feels he's not getting what he deserves -enough attention - you know what I'm talking about ladies, 25 years and I'm still to drop everything and give him my undivided attention. Laugh at not funny jokes, be interested when I'M not... & watch some stupid mindless show on television - just to 'keep you company' enough already - give me a f*cking break ...decades of this. I've done it.
When I ignore him because I'm too tired to argue - he does his 'petty shit' & I tell you - it is this petty crap that destroys marriages. A perfect example and 'it' may seem petty to you - but it's constant for me - Alexa. My friend sent me home from California with an Alexa (which I enjoy) I though it would be fun to try the lights! So we picked them up - I like being able to say "Alexa Lights ON!" and already have the light on welcoming me to the day - or helping me from stumbling at night... all was fine until someone turned the switch off -thinking it was an accident and thought it might be Storm.. I asked.
"I did." Norm remarks. I look at him (instantly pissed cause I know what's coming -I've lived with it for 25 years) and said "you know that's the Alexa bulb.."
"Yeah, but your never in the room" So he decided it was not going to be the Alexa bulb in that location. Simple. No talking, just turn it off. THERE it is.. while saying this, passing his dirty looks and keeping his nasty controlling tone OVER a fucking ALEXA bulb... so much for Alexa- what's the point it will just be a argument now every time... he ruined it - like he does with everything. Norm hates when anything makes me happy, unless of course he's has some control in it.
I know it has nothing to do with Alexa.
Nothing changes unless you make it change - I decided to celebrate today & stay POSITIVE.
I'm selling my engagement ring and wedding band. I'll get them appraised and put them on kijiji later this week. I Lost my original band, perhaps it was a sign. Sadly - what once resembled love every time I look at them I see 'bands of control'- modern symbols of a form of slavery. Why pass them on to my son- from a failed marriage. When & IF the time is right for Storm and he loves someone to get them a ring- I'm sure he will be able to produce one of his own. Seeing as I have no daughter to pass them on to the money from the sale will go to my 'Caves of France Fund'.