Birthdays.. our yearly reminded along with New Years Day - for a 'fresh start'- a new year begins!
1/2 of me is thrilled, 54, doing what I love everyday (I am also at a point - able to sell my art when I choose), playing with my dogs, enjoying life, lunch with friends, better off financially then we've ever been.. have people asking if I'd like to collaborate on a few projects, planning a garden, planning a trip - Money for paint! Consuming some of the best cannabis on the planet... Medicating with natural medicine - finally.
1/2 of me is in good physical shape. Life at 54 is pretty darn sweet!
Then there's the other 1/2, the past month especially, I feel as though I've suffered a stroke every day, from the top of my head down to my hips aches, my hand - peeling a banana , buttons on a shirt, pulling up pants - all tasks I dread. The TN, is constant, several attacks an hour & the Hemi facial spasm - every few moments, seconds. Walking, triggers it therefore I'm also constantly having to focus on my balance, some can't chew gum & walk at the same time so - I feel quite accomplished some days.
I now also look like a stroke victim, all the time... some think it's Bells palsy as my face when not contracting droops noticeably when at 'rest' and I don't like to smile- it triggers the pain and I need the rest. I'm also very tired & it has progressed down my entire right side, my right side is covered in spots & patches of psoriasis from head to toe, my entire kneecap felt like it was broken this a.m. it is covered in psoriasis, I am anticipating a new cream to try (medicated with cannabis) being sent from a friend.
I look miserable - I can't help it! I'm becoming more and more of a recluse - due to unfortunate encounters with other humans who do not understand, like my last retail experience. It wears me down... just when I think I have the courage to venture out, someone reminds me of how many thoughtless humans there are out there, cold & some intentionally cruel to boot.
I was shocked to hear George Clooney of all people talk about how bad it was for him when he had Bell's Palsey- I knew he could relate & that was just from LOOKING the way he did- he was not experiencing the rest, thank God. I was grateful he brought attention to it- I hope some women in particular are paying attention to me. It is increasing amongst women- over 50, I'm thrilled to hear Tweed is educating on it- clearly they recognize the growing problem. I do not have bell's palsy- Neurologist ruled it out, I have wished it was all I had.. look at images of people on Google- they look miserable - it's why we stop going out- people look at us and JUDGE & IT HURTS over & OVER again.
So no, I'm not happy about another birthday, another year of THIS, fucking thing that has me crying just from the sheer fucking exhaustion of living with it!!!
Throw in a few thoughtless people, not to mention people who intentionally fuck with others who are already struggling (says much more about you than it does me)
I'll pass thanks. I'm not going out for lunch or dinner- why set myself up on my birthday?
I'll spend the day like any other - painting.
Below is me... I'm tired of 'hiding' because others can't grasp or deal with things.
Are you taking your smile for granted? Seriously, ask yourself this right now.
Are you taking your health for granted? Your smile?
Are you letting stuff/others STRESS you out?
IT's NOT worth it.
Now, I'm going to paint Michelangelo & a rabbit with very special eggs.. cause if I don't I will just go to to bed and CRY all fucking day. It's not about pity- that I don't need and if you show it- I'll show you the door - who has time for that shit- it's about EDUCATION.
At times I often feel as though my art is not making a difference - that hurts even more. I do't know what to do about it, not much I can do. All artists deal with this to some level.
I cry because I am exhausted, worn down, getting zapped countless times a day and feel very much alone at times & I even wonder why I keep trying.
My son & my dogs & several other humans remind me why.
Are you paying attention to what YOU put in YOUR body - can you understand MY FEAR of prescribed medication? Pills known to cause such side effects?
When I really thought about our government paying for all kids prescriptions now- it breaks my heart. Thanks Kathleen for turing our future into drug addicts. How many will put their kids on medications simply because they can afford it 'now'? I'm curious to read the studies in 5 years from now - how many children are put on antidepressants - for free- what do you think? How many increased prescriptions will be filled for Children- parents making decisions to put chemicals in tiny bodies - and we don't know how it will effect them in 5, 10 or when they are 54 years old. Education.
Our kids would have been better off if we had given them free school supplies- how about Free breakfast to start the day? Many need that NOW- before they get sick and need free pills. Pay our teachers more? No- instead we give them free drugs. The legal kind.
With TLC & THC - Thank God - I do not think I would be able to continue on without it.
This is enough to drive anyone mad... I have to keep creative & hopeful.
I can't give up - it's all I can do.