I have so much to do you don't even know. Tired as fuck.
hee hee hee
It's time to show myself some love.
Yesterday, I told you about the death of my dog.. today it is the death of my marriage.
This too will come as no surprise to many who know 'us' well.
All I ask from anyone is prayers for a smooth transition into a new chapter of my life.
For myself as well as Norm.
I found this quote last night on PIN:
'My son is older and now wiser.
I want him to be in a happy relationship, I know they exist.
I think it would be better also for me to be alone and 'content' - even happy maybe, than to be continually in a relationship where we do not get along anymore, fight constantly about everything from no name chips to paint chips and it's just not fucking fun anymore.. it never was. Not the fighting. It has physically taken its toll one the past few years, expecting to be who I was not and being in an environment that never stops - with work all around me not complete, it's made it almost impossible to 'stay on top of'. When not fighting we each do our own thing we never talk about anything other than the weather - I hardly ever get asked 'how was your day? I'm just not interesting anymore, I guess. I still ask daily.
You try to 'keep the peace', because it's what you think we should do, at some point you really start to think about the price for peace you are paying and this one is too steep for me.
If you read this blog you have a pretty good idea of what's been happening.
Time has passed.. we went in different directions.
I told Norm the kitchen won't make a difference - just like everything before- it is all stuff. By the time 'it' gets done the amount of fighting before - years in fact over something as simple as a set of stairs.. that can be finally accomplished in a matter of hours is all about control in my opinion.
The most recent remarks about not contributing to this marriage, because I did not go to a 9 - 5 fucking job every day- pushed me over the edge. As I hope it does to every mother, woman out there.
It is time I take back control of my own life.
I appreciate and good vibes/prayers you send & thank all for their continued support.
I want to find a place where I might paint peacefully, surrounded by my dogs and friends who I know want to be in my company. I am planning on moving a bit North- you know me... I Love nature.
Now, I'm looking into my options and painting peacefully.
Ironically, I do feel pretty peaceful about this decision...
it's how I know it is right.
No more tears.. fuck that.
I take control back, NOW.
Back to painting.
I'm keeping this one.
I'm framing it and getting it ready to hang in my new home.
It's almost functional- the kitchen! Norm said he can't remember what day it is as days and weekends have become one for the past almost 3 weeks. This vacation was a 12hr day work week.
Still a few cupboards, wiring, details, valance and it's done. Seal the wall on Wednesday.
Then the cooking can begin! We are sick of take-out!! It makes you sick & sluggish IMO. (Normal fast food take out) Storms wanting to make curry and me pasta! Norm probably won't want to be in the kitchen for a few days.
Today I was up at 5 and out at 5:30 with Scruffy and Poppy- it was as if I was in my own private world. Silence, a holiday here in Canada- we are not sure what one... but there was not a sound, car or person for our long stroll. I came home determined to 'not let this day get to me!' The hammering is almost done and the kitchen does look amazing. I knew it would... I looked at Norm and said: "I will not be letting up until the last detail is done.", his gaze met mine "I know."
Then I'm inviting Jessie to come and bake her "famous carrot cake" and my mom to come and cook what ever the fuck she wants- she's a great cook and I want to make sure the kitchen gets used by someone! lol Then it's onto the next reno.. the fireplace room.
This house is going to be spectacular when complete as it should be- Norm is more than capable of doing it all as you can see. It's already been our investment of a life time and the housing prices in Keswick are insane now that the 404 is complete, our house is where we spend our time, I missed the kitchen- lol - I've been pacing from office to gazebo and napping in between. Norm never stops and I nap for us both, just watching him is exhausting. Im not being a smart ass either when I say this I mean it. I was in bed at 7 last night. norm said I was out cold.
I'll go in later tonight to put it all back together, the corner cabinet with my favourite treasures -hopefully, he tells me it will be completely - complete by the end of this week. Have faith!!
New Cananbis cartoon tomorrow
I took some photos yesterday of parts of the kitchen.. forcing myself to find something positive. The fact s are it's at least another week, so really two - still no power (extension cords) no trim, no cupboards, no back splash.. stuff everywhere - I am expected to put away- hard to do without cupboards. I'm also expected to cook.
I won't be & neither will anyone else be.
It's NOT finished and It's not getting dirty before it is.
I've already washed at least FULL 6 loads of dishes yesterday, because all the stuff that was put in them - was covered in drywall dust and sawdust, because he does not give a shit- I'm not a 'real client' - who would have all the stuff protected and plastic put up so it would not happen.... cleaning up after Norm like I've done for 23 years.
The day before I had Judy help empty 6 boxes and clean and you would hardly know she was here already from the mess again everywhere.
Book off two weeks I said... I can get it done in one, he said.
My twitch is worse than before I went away and I'm fighting not to stay in bed, so - no I don't care about the fucking kitchen at the moment. Other than the hammering not much else is heard- not much speaking, what else is new. & of course I've already had a few that say "BUT wow, you'll have a new kitchen!" It frustraites & angers me, who cares about a fucking kitchen. It's STUFF. Glorified stuff- and a kitchen for someone who would rather draw than cook- I'll be expected to cook more - "Hey, you have a new kitchen! "
Norm choose all the details from the counter to the trim decisions, appliances, backsplash & more, anything I picked was replaced with his own decisions, which were more 'affordable' - so why even ask me in the first place. Technically Norm is the one with the new kitchen, he can enjoy cooking it in... when it gets done.
It's a kitchen.
Progress? Not much. Same shit different day.
Im in do not disturb mode because I am feeling antisocial. Why because again, I have to put up with someone else shit all day everyday. I'd rather not even be here to be honest & the fact that I HAVE to makes me resent it more. If I was not .. two weeks could become 2 months.. Just like it took 6 years for a set of stairs.
I'm a bitch, you know it (in Norms mind for sure these days) .. I'm not making shit up- it's been my life for 23 YEARS, come to your own conclusions but remember - I am the one that has been living it. Do you ever know both sides? No then keep your comments to yourself. Norm knows what I write is true, I have no need to lie and won't.
Renovations are the cause of a few marriage break ups...
Now, I'm going to paint. The kitchen can fucking wait.
& sunset grill for breakfast sounds great.
Waiting too is difficult, Im not good at being surrounded by chaos 'stuff everywhere" messes with me an I can't seem to get past it.. I have a big painting I want to start but I only seem to be able to put to these minis- an ocTEApus of course .. I have a few more. I paint them when frustrated. I guess I'll have a dozen new ones before the end of the week.
* I feel bad for Storm, Im very 'teary', I'm exhausted and he keeps saying 'sorry'.
I am not a good faker for the record, lol - anyone reading the blog must be aware of this by now. He also understands why I am the way I am.
For all of you, who read my blog- I apologize - I'll try to put on a better mood tomorrow.
and will have new painting for you to see.
Anger & hatred int he USA. This presidential election is something. What does one say at the possibility of someone like Trump = becoming president - someone who fuels his campaign on hatred and anger? Dividing and concurring...
Nothing, I don't want to contribute to the insanity.
Suiside bombers and snipers who murder innocent people - COWARDS.
The truck bulldozing through people. ;( it fucked with me. I tried to think of an editorial and told myself, finally - it's better for my own sanity if I don't. May they rest in peace & their families tried to make sense of the slaughter. Find forgiveness- ONLY so they can heal.
How can you forgive such acts? I'm not sure.
The kitchen in not complete, Norms returned to work and is under the impression - meals will be cooked, now that the stove and fridge are back in place.. Norm is mistaken.
I had the best day yesterday with Storm, Brittany & Jessie* my assistant. They told me they were working on something- 'I know about' & asked me for help with it. It turned out great! I can't show you until after Saturday - as it is a surprise and you never know who reads this blog. It has me really thinking of a new direction for some possible income- and I'm doing it! You will see them soon.
Yesterday the kids drove me to Burger priest (in Barrie) lol - no, we really went to Curry's for paint! Do you know what that means?? paint! lol
Move out of my way bird! It's time to paint.
Chelsea Handler * recently discovered on netflix and I have to say - I think she is my clone- only because I'm older.. lol ALMOST everything out of her mouth, I have already said on this blog and agree with full heartedly. Especially the marriage thing. I will never get married again - should Norm & I part. WTF FOR? Been there, doing that. I love how she uses FUCK - it's about time- and it will help lose the stigma of the' word.' She's the best person on television since Oprah IMO. ;)
Please watch, her topics are serious (mostly) and thought provoking.
She likes everyone, is particularly fond of black men- lol, I get it.
Brings back memories of a boyfriend 'D.D'. long ago. ;)
***WE ARE ONE, the color of our skin has never bothered me- its' the color of the heart I'm attracted to... and they are not black. I also don't care about size- Storm loves this about me - we talked on our last long drive. I don't see Fat or Skinny- I see people I LIKE!
Who make me smile, inspire me with their words or actions, creativity & compassion turn me on. It's the internet I have to thank!
Teaching me for years now - you never know who you are talking to.
This blog.. I was thinking- I HOPE from the start, if your reading - I have changed my mind on a few subjects - I must have- my brain has changed, my life the past 5, 6 years! I am NOT who I was yesterday- let alone when I started this blog.
I change as I learn and grow.
This is life. I'm proud I can still re-think & change if that is what needs to be done.
Cannabis cartoons.. always on my mind. time to get some out.
This pokemon thing will be on the drawing board today- because it is a joke that cannabis is less harmful that a fucking ap. Not a very funny one- considering people are in jail. AMERICANS - blacks especially are still in jail and going daily over cannabis when a game is hurting more people that it ever has. How fucked up is that? Is anyone paying attention?
New art work tomorrow.
Mortgage insurance.. do you have it?
We did and I want to educate you with our own experience regarding it.
*longish blog- sorry - I tried to shortened it .
When I started to get ill and could no longer work- even walk (pre brain surgery) I could no longer teach kids, paint murals, anything and now along with being very ill we started to feel the stress of only a one income home, I was getting sicker because of it.
My Dr. asked ‘Do you have mortgage insurance?’ I came home and asked Norm- YES!
We actually did! & It was to our understanding - If one spouse gets sick and can no longer help, the bank would pay off the mortgage! So we ASSumed.
I filled out the papers, had Dr.s letters, from several including a couple of neurologists all stating I could no longer work- We read the fine print and dropped the forms off at the bank. They came back DECLINED.
Although we have been married 22 years (at the time of applying) because I did not have a “Normal 9- 5 job that I went to every day- I was not seen as a $$$ contributor to the family home. In their opinion.
I was a stay at home mom and therefor I did not work. wow. I was floored… & I was still very sick and getting sicker. Everyone said - they knew that would happen, the bank never helps people. Forget about it.
I did - what else could I do..
I had the surgery, as you are aware - it did not work BUT it did relieve some pressure and was a bit better for a while- it’s since progressed again ;( - anyhow—- I still could not work - i remembering crying thinking ‘even Walmart won’t hire me..” and we were getting into financial difficulties- as most people do when there is only suddenly one income. Really bad, worried about losing our home bad.
It was a snowstorm, I was alone and crying- feeling completely helpless, defeated and very sick I remember it so well - I don't care WTF anyone thinks about this:
I heard it in my head, so warm and reassuring, God said..
Go to the bank and MAKE them listen.
lol! I got up, got dressed, grabbed all my paperwork (now more from the failed surgery)
and walked over to the bank! It was difficult- I met a friend on the way and she gave me hug…
I walked into the bank, found the manager and said something along these lines:
“That is it! My husband and I are both very hard working people and we paid mortgage insurance our entire marriage and I fucking contributed so much to this marriage it would not have survived! Here is my paper work- I am applying again!
Decline me again - fine - the next time you see me it will be with a lawyer and the press & I want a response by the end of the fucking week!”
I put the papers down and left.
Listen, I do swear, and when my head is pounding it comes out even more… it is mostly frustration coming out.. I remember she looked at me (I was friends with this woman in a way, I was there the day the bank opened) she said “O.k. Georgia- I’ll send them in”
How dare anyone say a stay at home mom does not earn anything! We are raising the next generation! Hopefully with love- i had to stay at home also to look after Storm properly! I did contribute over the years - I made money and I would buy the groceries, help with bills, etc!
Our entire marriage - talk about inequality bullshit still! I was angry and with every right- it was more of less saying I had no value all these years and I DID - I DO.
Norm woke me a week later at 5 a.m. - “George, Something is wrong! - there is all this money in the bank account! “
They had not declined this time. I never heard a thing.. BUT- they did not pay off the mortgage as one might think - they paid me for a couple of years ‘LOST wages.’
THANK you GOD!
IRONICALLY - If I could go to work for a month- I could re apply and they would pay me again- IT is so fucked up - HOW could I work for a month? Still sick - at least, I could breath easier about the bills.
It was enough to pay off ALL our credit cards, bank loan- ( yep I know some you have them) and pay off a chunk of the mortgage.. so it’s not what you think. You have to be careful if you have mortgage insurance - you might never get.
& look what I had to go through for it. They do not care.
I am proud of myself - everyone told me don't bother, give up…
We were literally weeks away from having to claim bankruptcy & losing our home.
The lesson I want people to understand is HOW can anyone say a house wife does not contribute to a marriage?
That is BULLSHIT & something I would have not learned if we did not live through it.
So, if you are purchasing a new house - will you or won't you? I don't know what to advise.
Norm goes to work every day and does his task.. I stayed home, raise Storm, educate, clean, look after the animals, cooked meals, gardened, created - the list is endless. I think I have worked harder than my husband many days! When I use to teach and had 10 kids at a time all day long- it was terrific! If I had the option- trust me, I wished I could work again.
Either way - with the help of God, I am not stressed anymore - we have things under control. I truly believe it was a miracle that day- that “GET UP - Get dressed and Go!” Stop feeling sorry for myself and make things happen.
Very recently, Norm made the same mistake and pulled a “No, it’s MY money..” when we were having a conversation and I mentioned ‘I wanted to purchase something..’ Our conversation quickly escalated into a heated argument and Norm has since regretted his remark as he f*cking should & I KNOW he is NOT alone. It is too common. It’s not o.k.
I know many men who think like this and it is terrible, instead of celebrating, and treating each other as equals, nourishing each other and celebrating what each other brings to the table, a stay at home wife works just as hard if not harder than many moms I know who go and sit in an office all day. I know there are woman who work very hard outside the home (probably getting paid less than men for the same work)
BUT WE clearly are being punished for choosing to stay home and look after our families and there is no way way I will let anyone tell me - I am 'not contributing'.
What Norm lacks - I make up, what I can't do - he can- IT is how it works, BOTH of us these 25 years contributing to a marriage, $ blood, sweat and too many tears.
It won’t happen again. I am much wiser.
Ladies & gentlemen - have this conversation with your spouse EARLY.
Sort it out so you don't fight it out.
READ the fine print - and IF you are right and YOU know it - PRAY!
& GET up!
With God all things are possible.
I can actually start to enjoy myself a bit with our money, and am planning a vacation, very soon.
Tomorrow back to painting and fun stuff! Wait and see!
A couple days past Christmas and it appears we are getting our first snowfall of the season! It was certainly cold enough today, the last day of Christmas holidays 2015. legally you also have to give 'Boxing day' off in Canada so some companies - like Norms - gave today as the holiday. He returns now- Friday is a holiday! New years Day!
2016. Wow. Where did this year go... I know.
Our Christmas meal was wonderful! I was telling the guys 'it FLEW!' We had dinner at my aunts ,15 in total, the meal was a constant chatter of cutlery, laughing, talk and compliments, cracker joke reading - the cracker you pull- hee hee hee.
My aunt outdid herself with the cooking, my mom and Elly helped- I was to bring a trifle - but forgot! There was more than enough so - all was good.
Just an hour before Norm made Storms UGLY Chrismas Sweater- Elly pulled a fast one! lol She told everyone 'I said' it as ugly sweater Christmas! hee hee and then got me too - so it was fun! Just seeing my uncle Jess in his Festive Fleece Navidad cardigan, made me smile! Even the dogs and Princess Poppy - had on a new red sequine dress from her grandma. - it was certainly a colourful Christmas!
I made ornaments- guess when- at 5:00a.m. Christmas morning lol - talk about cutting it close. The tree slices from my friends property up north - wait until you see how many times you can put a dead tree to good use. I woke up made my coffee and thought about others, mainly Jim. He is not with us, a first Christmas in a long time... I miss hearing from him. Elly had moments when she teared but she is quick to catch herself. It's a big day for everyone. Jim parents also joined us, I had the honour of sitting beside 'Grampy' and he made me smile several times throughout the meal. It was a pleasure. Elly on my other side the meal was so delicious I don't remember much else - the talking would come later.
I love Elly, she made me laugh, smile, feel loved (as usual), what a year she has had - she recently had her roof replaced by a terrible roofing company in Toronto, they did a crappy job, exposed nails everywhere, mess left in the gutters & else where, a foot was put through the roof - into her ceiling of her living room - shingles covered where a vent should go & MORE. NO company names on the vehicles. Let that be a clue. I think had she not been still so devastated by Jims death (doing this now on her own - ladies .. would you know what to do? Not me) she might have realized earlier what a terrible person she was dealing with. One who tried to take advantage it appears.
Of course they are taking her to court - because she did not want to pay him for terrible job, Elly said fine. Good.
Any of my close friends give me a call I will share with you 'who the company' IS - I don't want anyone else in Toronto dealing with the same misfortune.
Bah Humbug Canada post! I ordered ONE gift for Storm - lol - I bought ONE gift for Storm, it did not come on time and I was like 'Little Cindy Lou Who' until the very last hour! ;( Then I was bummed. My fault, I was told it would have been replaced weeks ago (and is being replaced) had only I let him know sooner. Here I am again. Something gone missing who to 'blame' I have no clue. It makes me want to stop using Canada Post all together - no wonder they claim to be struggling. I can't be the only one, and not this frequent.
I have something in the process, a few friends have made wonderful suggestions.
I did get 4 books - all gifts - Each from a different person. Each so different - It had me thinking... who does that say more about ? Me or them.
Other things that made me laugh- my son in Grinch P.J.s! Still giggle overtime it comes to mind. Daisy ripping through her gift! The Elf... not on the shelf. Sweet Georgia Browns strategically placed. Elly driving up to see me.
Christmas day was still one of the best days I have had in a while. ;)
I was surrounded by love - in UGLY sweaters!
Who could want anything more? Not me.
Tomorrow I plan on spending in my P.J.'s! looking at the snow and painting!
Drive safe icy road warnings in effect, if you are reading this from California - Never mind!
2016: I Go within & withDRAW, more.
Peeps stand is complete! Peep is home and safe and appears to be enjoying it all.
He sings when the dogs bark - as to contribute his opinion or warns us someone is at the door- just in case I didn't hear the dogs. He sings when we vacuum, have loud conversations down stairs - just about all the time! Especially in the morning when I draw! The sounds is music to my ears and a joyful tune for my brain.
The cage is nice and easy to clean - I love the clear bottom to watch peep but the stands at the pets store were boring and expensive IMO for nothing special. Seeing as I plan on keeping peep in my office - where I spend most of my day (NOTE* the stand is on wheels and this a.m., he was watching me from my painting room... should I feel like spending the day in bed, it is only a room away) I wanted to keep it bright, bold, colourful and FUN!
Peep is part of the family!
Daisy was one for wanting to take a little taste of that tail sticking out of the cage.. I needed something taller and still easy to access for cleaning. I designed it and had my personal contractor ;) build it, at a price.. the cost of helping with The Grinch, more on him later - I mean the wooden one btw, not the other Grinch in the garage.
A small price to pay for exactly what I wanted. I do want to find red and white material & make a proper cover with gold cording, so that I can pull it open and it will look like a tent. When* I get around to it.. I'll share more photos. The stand is easy to move, easy to wipe down, has tons of storage (for peep and more) and will keep him high up and safely out of harms way.
I am glad I am finished - I have a few cartoons waiting to get out and Norm will have the Grinch ready for me to paint anytime now.
Peep likes Elvis and CyprusHill - Jump. ;D grapes an red peppers.
lol Storm liked how I changed the size of Peeps Barbells as the painting developed.
Probably because I smoked 'extra' cannabis - after dropping the Grinch on my feet.
Thank God for Cananbis.
Thanks to Norm for building the stand!
Thanks to my friend Tim who donated the wood! btw - lol
Thanks to Peep for inspiring me from the moment we met & continuing to serenade us with his songs of love.
Have a look at the photos below! Back to cartooning! Yippie!!
Laughing Buddha and cannabis inspired of course - from Todd with Love.
I almost forgot! Guess what I just learned (It's meant to be...) :
As you are aware my son is a Musky fisherman! I've lost count as to how many he has caught! His biggest 53 inches and to me it looks like the lockness monster!
Last outing with me, he caught a smaller Musky! It was exciting to watch!
Such a beautiful creature. Storm catches and releases - so it's all pretty quick!
Remove the hook, get a photo and the fish is back in the water!
Hold one of these mini monsters for a photo - forget it! lol
I painted my own!
Actually this one is a gift for friends. I like to say 'thank you' the best way I know how.
I am sure the recipient will love it. Handy hubby Normy made me a template & I'm already on my second fish! They relax me to paint. Each scale soothing as it hits the canvas/fish.
This fish is on prime piece of pine! I like painting n wood.
The one above took me a day - a day in-between puttering int he garden, dishes & usual daily duties! I believe I will make one for sale and see what happens.
The next one though - I'm lucky this one is going - when Storm came outside and saw me painting this fish he freaked, so the next is his. Of course.
It's Monday! What will you create today?
Here is Storm with the fish! lol It looks bigger! These fisherman know all the tricks!
I love my fisherman son!
It's open season - Groping Season. Tell me it's not true, here in Canada anyway.
What is it with men?! The moment I put on a bikini top - watch out! Norm is all hands - suddenly he sees it as change to 'cop a feel'. 9 times out of 10 - I'm not as thrilled as he is about the groping. O.k. to be fair... Maybe one time in 30.. I 'might be o.k. with it.'lol
You see, I did not ask for his advances. All I did was put on a Bikini top.
Then why put on the bikinitop you might ask?
Because I am HOT, and I don't mean as in in my 20's with boobs still higher up.
Hot as In: I love to feel the sun on my body. My body needs it also, literally - there is nothing that clears up psoriasis like sunshine!
Gods Medicine again! ;)
Back to groping. I'm hot, I like to wear a bikini. I'm not putting it on to feel sexy these days.
it is cool gardening - sweaty boobs are not fun and can lead to terrible rashes.
Don't get me wrong - by most standards - my body is not so bad, and I can pull off a bikini top - well by fewer standards since I'm 51. Who cares? Not me.
I am no longer there. My 'mind set' is not what it was... my body is not the priority it was in the ways it was. It does get a little annoying somedays. I don't know many who appreciate being loved for the body alone that they appear to be. In fairness to Norm - when he did it - the first few years, perhaps I giggled, I know a few times it turned into playful banter and possibly more - after 23 years? The game like most, gets a little boring. Usually, I just let him grope and continue on. It's not such a big deal...
The bigger deal is when women put on clothing that reveals a little more skin that normal and men think it means they can GROPE. It does not.
A women's body is her own and if a man looking at any woman - or visa versa (yet fewer men would complain - in all reality) and then think that they have permission to judge, touch, or worse - they are wrong. They are the ones experiencing a loss of control.
If I had a daughter - I'd try to influence her to dress in a way that shows her soul/self creative being. You have to start young - not focus on the clothing but to focus on the being - teach them they are so much more than a body and they will be. A body just gets us where we are- I'm taking my body now into the painting groom and my mind will direct it to paint! ;)
Most girlfriends looked at this and all laughed - it's true. It made me laugh.
Is it funny or not? Think about it. What message do WE send out?
Teach only love.
Have Faith! <>< xox